Elaine was 12 years old when she had her first hysterical episode. She was in school and her teacher, thankfully, understood what was happening and tried her best to comfort her.

“I hate my mind,” she said again and again.

 “She just took my face in her hands and said, ‘Elaine, you have a beautiful mind.’ It was good to hear that, but I didn’t believe it.”

Despite being the top of her class and being involved in as many extracurricular activities as possible, she was still suffering.

“If I took a whole bunch of aspirin, or Bufferin, or Excedrin, it would calm me down.” She paused. “I didn’t know that I was taking enough to possibly kill myself. It wasn’t my intention at all.”

In her early 20’s Elaine felt like everything was spinning. Hopelessness. Despair. It was only making her more anxious knowing that this was only the beginning to what was going to be a very long night.

“It would be a big spin, to begin with. It would get tighter and tighter and faster and faster and faster, and then I would crash. And I would be out of control. And maybe I would survive.”

But this time was different. This time it was too much. More than ever before.

At the time, in 1973, she was living at the Atlanta Lesbian Feminist Alliance. As she tried to leave, her roommates held her back. She screamed, she pushed, and she got through.

“I realized that I was going to lose it. And that I needed to get out of there.”

Looking for an open sky,

Where I can see the messages above,

Shining through the darkness of the lies,

That hide us from the Truth of our Love.

The sky was a menagerie of summer pinks and oranges. It was sunset already?

She knew that she shouldn’t be out this late in a city like this. But she was going to die if she didn’t escape.

Then – in the middle of the city –  a clearing. When did this get here?

It must have been the old subdivisions that were demolished for a highway that would never be built, she guessed. But to her, a blessing.

In the jungle of half-standing walls and stairs leading to nowhere she began to run. She would run until she died. She didn’t care. It had to happen.

She ran and she ran, until she passed out.

Don’t you know that you’re coming from somewhere?

Don’t you know you’ll be going on soon?

And this life on this planet is glowing with the sun,

With the Spirit beyond the stars and the moon.

When she opened her eyes, there was a tree. The gentle light seeping between the leaves laid gently where the tears had dried. Birds sang to a tune that matched the beauty of the day – the beauty of the world.

A song came to her that morning, as she lay vulnerable to the world. Though she had written many songs before, none had come to her so easily.

Two years later, she would be stabbed by a stranger only a block from where that song had come to her.

Sitting beneath a living tree,

We’re sitting on the trees of long ago,

Listening to the voices on the breeze,

Gently teaching lessons as we grow.

After that attack, she would never run again. But her spirit was far from slowing down.

At first it was difficult to come to terms with what this meant for the rest of her life. She felt anger and pain that she never thought possible, but she grew to forgive and endure.

It was because of her disability that she was able to meet the first love of her life, Patti. She had a physical disability that caused her to be wheelchair bound. She had a beautiful smile. She loved Christmas. To Elaine, she was perfect. They lived together for many years in a disabled person’s community.

In 1999 Patti suffered a complication in a medical procedure. She was happy that she could celebrate Christmas with her love one last time. Elaine was with her when she died.

So, we know that we’re coming from somewhere,

And we know that we’re going/yes, we’re leaving soon,

And the light on this planet is coming from the sun,

From the Spirit beyond the stars and the moon.

Elaine met another love a few years later. Katie was a surprise to her, since she seemed so opposite. But their souls were meant for each other.

In 2014 Katie suffered a heart attack. The feelings of dread that plagued Elaine’s past were beginning to re-emerge, when she remembered the verse:

There’s a well of water deep inside,

High upon the mountain of our dreams,

That catches every tear we’ve ever cried,

And pours them out again in a cooling stream.

Katie passed away a few years later. She was with her when she died.

Elaine’s spirit did not waiver. While she misses Katie, and Patti, and many lost friends over the years, she remains positive and joyful – simply happy to be able to let their influence guide her.

When we go/do you believe/we go somewhere?

Well, I know we’ll be going/so, we will know soon,

When all is said and done/will we rise to join the sun?

Or will we go beyond the stars/with our Spirit beyond the stars and the moon?

Earlier this year, I was very close to my own breaking point. The expectations that I had set up for myself were soul crushing. I had lost 20 pounds in two months and continued to ignore my health since I simply had to keep going. I had to work because I needed money, I had to do work for free because I needed to build my resume, I had to get prefect grades or I would be a disappointment, I had to keep saying “I’m sorry” when I don’t perform perfectly and “I’m fine” when I clearly wasn’t.

Then I met Elaine. From the start, she welcomed me with open arms (literally, a much needed hug). She began to tell me her story, and I felt something inside me open – something that I had been trying to push down.

“I think it’s an all too common experience for many of us to experience, as human beings…it gets ingrained into us and we accept it, and we believe it, and we hold on to it – that we’re just not good enough. That there’s something wrong. That there’s not enough.”

The colors of the universe are bright,

Glowing with the knowledge that they bring,

Music is the chorus of the light,

Teaching us the song of life we sing.

Today, anxiety is at an all-time high, especially among millennials. There has been a shift in our society to care more about our appearance than community and meaning of life. We have forgotten to remind ourselves of who we are and what we need as humans. In me, it was so bad that my mental and physical health was put at the bottom of my list of priorities. I had to keep preforming simply because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t.

With Elaine, that is not an issue. Whenever I say sorry, she says “Oh, stop that. Never say that to me.” When I would tell her about all of the things I had on my plate, she looks at me with concern and tells me “Well, okay, but you have to take time for yourself.”

It has become clear that she sees much of her past self in me. She has made me understand that despite terrible challenges and trials, she survived and thrived. And maybe I can too. Maybe we can all survive.

“It came out in this song so clearly, that no matter what else happened in my life – and there have been a lot of things… a lot of really difficult things…. painful, traumatic, things that have happened in my life. And yet, this particular song and that experience is something that I can’t ever forget or deny. It shows me, beyond any doubt whatsoever, that I’m here for a reason, I’m here for a purpose, and that love is the most important thing of all.”

So, yes, I know that we’re coming from somewhere,

And I know that we’re going/we’re coming/

we’re going/we’re all leaving soon,

And our life on this planet/our light on this planet

is coming from the sun,

From our Spirit deep inside/an ever-present guide,

Our Spirit beyond the sun/when all is said and done,

Our Spirit beyond the stars/deep inside/far beyond the moon.

Elaine Kolb, “Coming From Somewhere”